From The New York Times: http://www.nytimes.com/2013/03/05/booming/when-james-becomes-janice-what-not-to-ask-a-transgender-friend.html
By STEVEN PETROW
Published: March 5, 2013
This question, slightly edited, is from the AIDS activist Spencer Cox, who died in December.
Q. Dear Civil Behavior: Someone I knew decades ago when I was in college identified as transgender pre-op. Lately, this person looked me up online and started an e-mail chain. They informed me they had changed their name from a distinctly masculine one to a gender-neutral name, but didn’t really explain. On the one hand, since we discussed the transgender issue quite extensively back in the day, I feel that basic politeness and, of course, an interest in catching up would suggest that I inquire about whether the person has fully changed gender. On the other hand, one doesn’t want to be intrusive around a potentially delicate topic. Is there a polite way to ask, “Did you have surgery?”
–Spencer Cox
A. Your heart’s in the right place, but I’m afraid “Did you have surgery?” is the wrong question for two reasons. First, it’s too personal (this is true of asking, unprompted, about any surgical procedure) but more important it’s not likely to give you the answer you’re seeking. The better questions are: “What’s your pronoun preference?” or “I see you changed your name; how’s everything going now?” Either should be a soft enough lob to encourage your friend to explain the name change and to get at the heart of the matter.
(I do want to commend you, however, for exemplary use of pronouns in your letter. Without knowing a person’s gender identity, “they” and “their” is the way to go, even if Strunk and White disagree.)
Continue reading at: http://www.nytimes.com/2013/03/05/booming/when-james-becomes-janice-what-not-to-ask-a-transgender-friend.html
